02/17/2016
Have been looking at the "small self" in me as I read Richard Rohr, and Thomas Keating, two great authors who write wonderful material about the Higher Power and the unconditional love of that Power. Wondering about that part of me, or perhaps those parts of me that beleive that I truly love someone and yet I can become an obstacle to their growth by being fearful of what their growth might impact in my life, perhaps making me deal with some insecurity, fear of change. With all of my words of love, support, encouragement am I really covering insecurity or even jealousy, fear of them "getting ahead" or getting away from me? Are those looking good words and actions more for presentation that truth? Does their growth, new desiring trigger fears, sense of "property"? Did fear dress up as a type of love that might impress the world while the small me was thinking like a grightened, angry child resisting their growth, and an opportunity for me to really look deeper into myself? As I lived the role of the one betyared, destroyed, broken did I feel, deep inside a sweet revenge if my "suffering" was rewarded by those of similiar outlook? Did I know that my sympathizers were really enablers who helped me stay in a very non-effective place? Deep calls to deep, deep anger, deep jealousy, deep resentments will call to themselves like minded souls, as will loving, forgiving souls find one another. The world of suffering, replaying the wrongs done, or the world of forgiving, letting go, celebrating the freedom of myself and the other to be all we can be seem to be some of the choices we have, to create the reality we think will be more effective for us. Claiming ownership of my dreary, well rehearsed dramas gives me the strength and energy to relosve them, take them off the table, and as my Spiritual Director says enables me to ask myself "what is the big deal?" My dishonest, irresponsibel blaming, guilting only hurt me, and kept that person from perhaps being a friend, even when they had to choose another path. What happens is that their lives go on, and my stays in the swamp of resentment, self pity, fear, and childish getting even through gossip, rumors, to try to bolster myself. So...taking the steering wheel of my life back, seeing my part in my own victimization through my small self, enjoying being an obstacle in someone"s life who is only trying to better their journey becomes the trash to clen up. Moving away from making sure they know, daily how they have hurt me, destroyed lives, (not really), caused me pain, shame and isolation is my being that empowered woman I really am when done playing the victim. So many of us want to let that person, or those persons know how they crushed us, our futures, it can become an obsession, and like a disease it spreads to innocent people, who may miss out on knowing a great person because of my anger, and fear and thinking I have lost my integrity, my place in this life. There is a way to let go, many of us have discovered this because we wanted to join the adults in our world, and let go of the mentality that someone must pay. We wanted our own resurrection from the self pity, the false powerlessness, depression and the oppression of our self. The only way I can write this is by taking my own inventory, and knowing that there is more to life that my disappointments, hurts, losses. It is about embracing what is, and loving it as it is. More later.
