12/23/2023
journey
It's been almost 7 months since I was first told I had advanced stage 4 ovarian cancer.
Truthfully? It feels like an eternity ago - - and then in the next fleeting moment it feels like it was just seconds ago.
I wouldn't let the doctors tell me their prognosis or survival rate. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't care what their statistics said.
Deep down, I knew. It didn't matter. Because deep down, I knew - this was an experience that I was going to completely break down like no other time in my life. Lose it all. To stand up straight, gather all my strength, and rebirth myself.
Find my Phoenix.
I do believe in past lives. I've lived many. I also resonate with the belief in soul contracts. The idea that before we ever come down to earth, we conspire our existence. Our soul gets to choose certain big events that happen in our lives whether they be labeled good or bad.
I believe this is how we evolve, this is how we heal and eventually this is how we align ourselves to thrive into an even more beautiful existence.
This journey has brought me to my knees. Face to the ground. Ugly crying. Gasping for air and wishing at times I could just cross over in peace.
All the while knowing.
Looking into the mirror with an unrecognizable reflection staring back at me. All the light in my eyes escaped, just the faintest flicker clinging on with a hollow shadow behind it.
Bald. Skinny. Tired. Unrecognizable to myself.
All the while...without a single day going by where I didn't have some beautiful email or text or letter in the mail or phone call or voicemail from the most amazing support team I could have ever dreamed of.
Every scan and blood draw and doctors appointment having someone I loved by my side.
The 8-hour emergency room visit - surrounded by love.
Every 7 hour chemotherapy infusion - my dear friend(s) right by my side.
People are good
Love Is everywhere
So many dear friends and loved ones and 'chosen family' and clients and acquaintances reaching out pouring out so much love upon me.
It was the most overwhelmingly beautiful feeling I could have felt through such a terribly difficult time.
Words won't ever be able to express or articulate how how much that meant to me. How much it helped my mental capacity as well as my spirit move through this.
I bow in gratitude. The deepest bow.
It is within these moments... the darkest moments of our lives that we are able to finally see.
Not with our eyes.
With something much more accurate in its assessment.
It is our spirit, it is our soul that lights the way
The unexplainable and intangible intelligence of the piece of us that is eternal.
The real us. The truth of who we are.
Last week I had my final results.
The doctor looked at me to tell me that while my road to recovery will still be a journey, I'm now officially without any traces of cancer left in my body.
The cancer came and did what it needed to do, and then it left me.
It changed me. It's not possible for me to ever be the same after this.
And in the end the final prognosis was 31% chance survival rate.
I'm glad I didn't know until the very end.
I want to express my heartfelt appreciation to each and every one of you for helping me get through this. Every single person who reached out in any way to show their love and their support for me: it meant more & it means more than you could ever possibly know.
I'm here to tell you that when every single thing is stacked against you. When all the parts of your life have completely fallen apart and have disintegrated into nothingness - you aren't done yet. You're just getting started.
You can and will make it...
Miracles are everywhere.
You are one of them.
So am I.
Love,
Meah Starr
