04/04/2026
EMPLOYEE NOTICE
Due to the current financial situation caused by the fuel crisis and the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as R**E (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be R**ED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been R**ED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be R**ED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.
Persons who have been R**ED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.
Persons who are not R**ED and are staying on will receive as much S**T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of S**T they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough S**T, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the S**T you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - Due to the Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
