04/01/2021
I've had a fairly severe plunge today back into chest tightening, hand trembling anxiety.
I'm not always going to post updates when this happens because I would like to concentrate on helping.
I think it's important to at least give you this update though.
I know this is stress and trauma based anxiety. I have some fairly strong and generally OK medication I have to take for stress, depression, anxiety, insomnia and my eating problems.
That doesn't make it easier to cope with when this happens but I do at least now know I wasn't born broken, which is the sort of thing you think in the dark time.
This isn't an illness I'll recover from through these tablets, I'll be taking them or some form of them for the rest of my life. They just help to normalise the imbalances in chemicals that my brain is not wired to replace.
The imbalances are also not an illness or something I was born with. I spent over twenty years numbing myself because it seemed easier and through that I've just trained my brain to be it's own ally and worst enemy.
Now l I have something of a better balance, I'm busy with everything I'm working on, the meds work and various other things have improved. This doesn't mean I'm better though.
If anything the highs have made the lows harder to deal with. My doctor says it will get easier, I just don't know how to cope with feeling actual emotions which in and of itself was a weird thing to hear be confirmed to me.
Validation, maybe, but more just be careful what you wish for I think.
This isn't a do or don't post. Everyone is different and come from different places of pain and comfort.
This is to let you know that I'm not ashamed to have these issues and neither should anyone else be about theirs.
Just please look after yourselves and the ones around you.
The lows might feel like you're drowning or that you've landed on some new deep level in an abyss of darkness but just know when it feels like that final gasping breath comes you won't die. You'll take some ragged deeps breaths and then still be strong enough to keep going and cope with the darkness.
Just don't give up. Fight your demons and know that I'm fighting them too.