30/08/2026
It’s true. They’re judging you. Call us and we’ll give them something to really talk about.
SOME PEOPLE: A boomer couple have this week given their neighbour a character profile purely on the basis of an unkempt front lawn, which has somehow escalated from simply being lazy to being proof they must be on drugs.
For curb-proud couple Judith and Phil Carey, who have spent much of their retirement tending to their lawn and rose garden, their neighbour’s lack of care has become a sign of poor moral character.
What began as a daily lock-in has now developed into a full psychological profile of the unsuspecting neighbour, who remains blissfully unaware that they are the subject of a brutal character assassination based solely on the length of their grass.
“You know what, I think I heard some clinks of glass when they put the bin out the other day. I bet they’re an alcoholic,” says Judith, who is partial to a bottle of plonk herself, “probably too drunk to use a lawn mower.”
Phil, whose main purpose in life is peering through the curtains each morning to check if the lawn has been mowed, agrees, but suggests it could be drugs.
“Obviously not raised well if he thinks having a front lawn like that is acceptable. Wouldn’t surprise me if he’s on drugs,” says Phil, shaking his head in disgust.
Though the Careys would never admit it, they would likely be very disappointed if the neighbour ever did fix up the lawn.
“Probably meth,” whispers Judith, with a hint of a smile. “No wonder his wife divorced him.”
More to come.
